• Editorial

LF Reviews - Eggnog

Written by: Rodvie Barnachea

As seen in the December 2017 issue.

I’ll start off by saying that I had a bad experience with eggnog as a child. I had an awful, rotten egg sip and was immediately forced to spit it out. It was probably expired. So when I saw that there was an opportunity to give it another shot and have my revenge by reviewing it, I said, “Why not?”

When I was searching for mixes to have my eggnog with, each blend had something in common: alcohol. I looked for a second opinion and asked the Superstore cashier, “What would be a good mix with this?” “Some good rum,” she replied. “Get some nice booze in there.”

The next day, I thought hard about becoming intoxicated with something that I never tasted since that awful incident—a beverage I had no choice now but to consume. I decided to make the trip back to Superstore and buy both chocolate and peppermint flavoured eggnog. Now here we are, during the “next day.” Let’s get started.

Regular Eggnog:

First, I’ll start with the original. The same original I refused many years ago.

I’ve come up with two conclusions. The first is: this is horrendous. The second: the eggnog from many years ago was not expired. Eggnog is just…ugh. My head hurts a little.

The flavour is rich while you’re drinking it. The flavour is butter. Just pure butter. Yikes. The aftertaste is as if I’ve already mixed in alcohol. Render me officially scared of the next few drinks.

Rating all these trials, I’ll base it off of two criteria: taste and whether or not I’d drink it if I were offered it.

Taste: 1/5 Offered?: 1/5 Overall: 1/5

Chocolate Eggnog:

I’m hoping this will make up for its cousin. I hope that I’ll taste chocolate and not actual eggnog. I hope.

Taking my first whiff, it smells exactly like what I just consumed 30 seconds ago.

It’s as if I just drank chocolate milk mixed with alcohol and butter. This time, while drinking it, I can taste the alcoholic quality of it. The aftertaste is overwhelmingly made up of chocolate—thank goodness. Reading the label, apparently there’s nutmeg and cinnamon flavour mixed in. I did not taste either.

Taste: 2/5

Offered?: 2/5

Overall: 2/5

Candy Cane Eggnog:

I’m hoping this taste of candy cane will bring in a rush of Christmas feel and be a much-needed gift during this experience. Not like the two pieces of coal that I’ve so far consumed.

There it is again. That smell. Oh no.

Wow. This is actually pretty good. Just drinking it almost eliminates the awful smell—it actually tastes like drinking candy cane. I tried some again and was not disappointed. This is by far the best of the three I’ve had, and the aftertaste has a sense of creaminess to it. If you plan on having a party that you MUST have eggnog with that you want to serve to kids, this is a great alternative.

Taste: 3/5

Offered? 3/5

Overall: 3/5

Side note:

The compounding smell from all three has caused my head to pound. I’ve already decided to not smell the rest of the mixes. I wanted to try the regular eggnog with four types of alcohol, but have decided to reduce that to three. If you were in my position, I’d forgive you.

Eggnog Mixed with Spiced Rum:

I’ve had eggnog mixed with cinnamon spice and nutmeg spice. Now, it’s time for spiced rum. For the rest of my mixes, I’ll be mixing seven ounces of eggnog with about 1.6 ounces of its subsequent mix. I’ve got to be honest here: I smelled the spiced rum first, and it smells better than the eggnog.

This is a dangerous combo. The spiced rum is carrying the weight of the eggnog and is actually making it palatable. I can feel the spiced rum kicking in, but it’s a taste that’s to be expected. What I mean by that is that my tastebuds are no longer confused and actually expected to be tasting alcohol. The eggnog goes down very smooth and makes it an actual fun drink. MVP to Captain Morgan.

Taste: 3.5/5

Offered?: 3/5

Overall: 3.25/5

Eggnog Mixed with Whiskey:

I’ve washed the glass that I’m using so my last mix does not compromise this one. Please, Crown Royal, with your signature Canadian whiskey, help this Canadian boy. By the end of this test, I hope to have basically finished this regular eggnog so I won’t feel bad throwing out an entire bottle of it. Based off my first taste with the regular, there is no chance that I will drink this alone again.

Might I remind you, dear reader, this is a taste test. Not a “finish the drink” test. The Crown and the eggnog smell are overpowering. It’s like a tag team that’s telling me to stop this at once. The $4.25 I spent on this Crown is not enough to make me keep drinking. Self-love, readers. So, as I release a cough while typing this, down the sink you go. I need water.

Taste: 0.5/5

Offered?: Just no.

Overall: 0/5

Eggnog Mixed with Baileys:

I’ve reached the end. Finally. We all know what a marathon is, but have you seen those crazy shows where people walk across insanely hot, burning coals barefoot? That’s what this feels like: running a full marathon on the rocks of the underworld. At this point, I can’t even feel my toes. But the finish line is so close, that I must run through the tape. Luck of the “Irish cream,” rub off on me.

The leprechaun came through. This is by far the best one. I’ve envisioned myself running past the finish line, and all the pain that has been experienced through this trek has been temporarily extinguished. Just the pure jubilance from this taste has briefly made me forget its ugly cousins. Then I look over to my right, and I see the bottle of eggnog. The feeling of torment has come back. I take another sip of this final mix and look at the divine picture of the hills and trees that are accompanied by the “BAILEYS” logo above it. Thank you Baileys.

Taste: 4.5/5

Offered?: 4.5/5

Overall: 4.5/5

Now that all the tasting has been done, I have thrown out the bottle of eggnog. I will never drink it again, and do not wish, for my love for them, that my family consume this evil.

‘Tis the season to be jolly. Do not welcome this drink into your home. As students, the holidays are our time to let loose before school comes back. Do not waste your “beverages” by mixing them with this poison. My head still hurts.

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